Odd thoughts from the admin.

42 Responses to “Thoughts”

  1. bludtizfan Says:

    Are Computers Male or Female

    An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as “she”. One of the students asked “What gender is a computer?”

    He wasn’t sure so he divided his class into two groups, each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

    The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

    1.In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
    2.They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
    3.They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
    4.As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

    The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

    1.No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
    2.The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
    3.Even you smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
    4.As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

    Found this in an old file and thought everyone might enjoy it. BTF

  2. vamphoney Says:

    ROFLMAO!!!! BTF that is excellent and if you think about it so true. That laugh got my day off to a great start!!! Good job!!!

  3. bludtizfan Says:

    The Broken Lawn Mower

    Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is usually the husband. When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.

    Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

    When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in The tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. ‘When you finish cutting the grass,’ I said,
    ‘you might as well sweep the driveway.’

    The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

  4. bludtizfan Says:

    Today thought is a little long, but well worth the read:

    Give a man a gadget and he is bound by nature to play with it.

    Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his
    lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
    interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
    little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
    100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
    supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
    assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.

    “WAY TOO COOL!” Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

    I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
    Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
    button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the
    blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

    AWESOME!!!

    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the
    face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
    couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
    little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
    needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

    I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
    and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to
    give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want
    some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
    perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
    taser in another.

    The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
    assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
    major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make
    your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst
    longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

    All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5inches
    long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded
    with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, ‘no possible
    way!’

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best… I’m
    sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as
    to say, ‘don’t do it master,’ reasoning that a one-second burst from such a
    tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself
    a one-second burst just for heck of it. I
    touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .

    HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!

    I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
    in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
    over again.

    I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in
    my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
    found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
    tingling in my legs.

    The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
    before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, ‘Do it again,
    stupid, do it again!’

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug ‘ yourself with a taser, one note
    of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
    yourself!

    You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
    violent thrashing about on the floor.

    A three-second burst would be considered conservative!!!

    SON-OF-A-… That hurt like **% !!!

    A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
    point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
    the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
    How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
    still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and
    my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I’m still looking for my testicles! I’m
    offering a significant reward for their safe return!! Still in shock!

    PS. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

    ‘If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.’

  5. ccrulz Says:

    LOL and so true..men are well..so Y chromosones!

  6. csd1 Says:

    LOVED IT BTF! LMAO!!

  7. vamphoney Says:

    ROFLMAO!!! LOVED THAT!! Only a man would do something so stupid!!

  8. fitzsgirl Says:

    I laughed so hard that I was crying and bent over my desk. MY staff officially thinks that I have lost my mind.

  9. xrogue Says:

    Oh jeez, now I’ve gotta go wash all the mascara off that ran down my face while I was laughing.

  10. bludtizfan Says:

    13 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR:

    1. PASS MY SHOTGUN

    2. PSYCHOTIC MOOD SWING

    3. PERPETUAL MUNCHING SPREE

    4. PUFFY MID-SECTION

    5. PEOPLE MAKE me SICK

    6. PROVIDE ME with SWEETS

    7. PARDON MY SOBBING

    8. PIMPLES MAY SURFACE

    9. PASS MY SWEATS

    10. PISSY MOOD SYNDROME

    11. POOR MEN SUCK

    12. PACK MY STUFF

    & MY FAVORITE ONE

    13. POTENTIAL MURDER SUSPECT

  11. csd1 Says:

    Yep, that’s all my symptoms! Just ask the hubby!

  12. vampfan Says:

    these thoughts are great! I just had to print the taser letter for the ladies in the office because they want to know why I’m laughing so hard. thanks.

  13. bludtizfan Says:

    ok here is the Saturday one, these were actual newspaper headlines and quotes. HONEST.

    HOW’S THAT AGAIN?

    Some 40% of female gas station employees in Metro Detroit are women, up from almost none a year ago – Detroit News article

    Marijuana Issue Sent To a Joint Committee -Toronto Star headline

    Publicize your business absolutely free! Send $6 – Entrepreneur Magazine ad

    Gators To Face Semioles With Peters Out -The Tallahassee Bugle

    Messiah Climaxes In Chorus of Hallelujahs -The Anchorage, Alaska Times

    Married Priests In Catholic Church A Long Time Coming – The New Haven, Connecticut Register

    Governor Chiles Offers Rare Opportunity To Goose Hunters – The Tallahassee Democrat

    Would She Climb To The Top of Mr. Everest Again? Absolutely! – the Houston Chronicle

    Governor’s Penis Busy {should be “Pen Is”} – the New Haven, Connecticut Register

    Thanks to President Clinton, Staff Sgt. Fruer Now Has a Son – The Arkansas Plainsman

    Clinton Places Dickey In Gore’s Hands – Bangor Maine News

    Starr Aghast At First Lady Sex Position – The Washington Times

    Clinton Stiff On Withdrawal – The Bosnia Bugle

    Long Island Stiffens For Lili’s Blow – Newsday

    Organ Festival Ends in Smashing Climax – San Antonio Rose

    Petroleum Jelly Keeps Idle Tools Rust-free – Chicago Daily News

    Textron Inc. Makers Offer To Screw Company Stockholders – The Miami Herald

  14. cylver Says:

    Long Island stiffens for Lili’s blow! Hah!! That reminds me of all those Hurricane Kyle we were making a few weeks back!

  15. cylver Says:

    Hurricane Kyle jokes, that is…

  16. bludtizfan Says:

    Oh yea I remember. Will have more Thoughts tomorrow.

  17. bludtizfan Says:

    This is for those with a 9-5 headache.

    THINGS YOU WOULD LIKE TO SAY AT WORK, BUT CAN’T

    1. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be?
    2. Do I look like a people person?
    3. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
    4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
    5. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
    6. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
    7. You!…..off my planet!
    8. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
    9. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
    10. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
    11. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
    12. Allow me to intoduce my selves.
    13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
    14. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
    15. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
    16. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
    17. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
    18. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
    19. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
    20. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?
    21. To many freaks, not enough circuses.
    22. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
    23. Chaos, panic & disorder – my work here is done.
    24. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
    25. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

  18. bludtizfan Says:

    Subject: Smart-Ass Answers of The Year

    SMART ASS ANSWER #6 — It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. ‘Would you like dinner?’ the flight attendant asked John, seated infront. ‘What are my choices?’ John asked.
    ‘Yes or no,’ she replied.

    SMART ASS ANSWER #5 — A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said,’Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.’

    SMART ASS ANSWER #4 — A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ‘Do these turkeys get any bigger?’ The stock boy replied, ‘No ma’am, they’re dead.’

    SMART ASS ANSWER #3 — The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. ‘I’ve been waiting for you all day,’ the cop said. The kid replied, ‘Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.’ When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

    SMART ASS ANSWER #2 — A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, ‘ Low Bridge overhead.’ Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, ‘Got stuck, huh?’ The truck driver says, ‘No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.’

    SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007 — A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. ‘Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!’ A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, ‘What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?’ The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, ‘Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.’

    Two bonus extras: A Blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, ‘May I have 50 Christmas stamps?’ The clerk says,
    ‘What denomination?’
    The Blonde says, ‘God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.’

    A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
    The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’
    He never heard the shot….

    Thanks to ccrulz for these.

  19. bludtizfan Says:

    This one is for IJAG

    WHY MEN ARE, AND CAN BE JUSTIFIABLY PROUD OF THEMSELVES

    1. We know stuff about tanks.
    2. A 5 day trip requires only one suitcase.
    3. We can open all our own jars.
    4. We can go to the bathroom without a support group.
    5. We don’t hae to learn to spell a new last name.
    6. We can leave a motel bed unmade.
    7. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
    8. Underwear is $10 a three pack.
    9. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
    10. Everything on our face stays the same color.
    11. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
    12. We don’t have to clean the house if the gas meter reader is coming.
    13. Car mechanics tell us the truth.
    14. Same work, more pay.
    15.Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
    16. Your friends will never trap you with: “So, notice anything different?”
    17. We are not expected to know the names of more than 5 colors.
    18. We almost never have a “strap problem” in public.
    19. We are totally unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.
    20. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
    21. We don’t have to shave below the neck.
    22. Our belly hides our hips.
    23. We can do our nails with a pocketknife.
    24. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
    25. We never have to have a bikini wax.

  20. bludtizfan Says:

    HOW TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE ESTROGEN ISSUES

    Everyone around you has an attitude problem

    You’ve added chocolate chips to you cheese omlette.

    The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

    Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

    You’re using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says “How’s my driving-call 1-800-***-****”

    Everyone’s head looks like and invitation to batting practice.

    You can’t believe they don’t make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.

    You’re sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

    The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

  21. bludtizfan Says:

    BENEFITS OF BEING A WOMAN

    We got off the Titanic first.

    We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

    We can be groupies, Male groupies are stalkers.

    We can cry and get off speeding fines.

    We’ve never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

    Taxis stop for us.

    We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

    Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies (you get the point).

    New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

    No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.

    We don’t have to fart to amuse ourselves.

    If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

    We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt.

    We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

    If we’re dumb, some people will find it cute.

    We have the ability to dress ourselves.

    We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

    If we marry someone 20 years younger, we’re aware that we look like an idiot.

    There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

    We’ll never regret piercing our ears.

    We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

    We’ll never discover we’ve been duped by a Wonderbra.

  22. pokeyspride2002 Says:

    Ha! very nice girl, but you forgot to add, we never have to be told twice to do something! Ha! love you!

  23. bludtizfan Says:

    Thanks to Raven for these.

    TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

    1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.
    2.. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
    3.. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
    4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
    5.. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
    6.. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me
    7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
    8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
    9.. I’m not a complete idiot — Some parts are just missing.
    10… Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
    11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
    12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
    13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
    14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
    15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
    16.. Being ‘over the hill’ is much better than being under it!
    17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
    18 Procrastinate Now!
    19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
    20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
    21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
    22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
    23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
    24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
    25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
    26.. Ham and eggs…A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
    27.. The trouble with life is there’s no background music.
    28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
    29.. I smile because I don’t know what the hell is going on.

    Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Life is too short and friends are too few!

  24. cylver Says:

    I can relate to #19. Only instead, I ask “Paper or plastic?”

  25. bludtizfan Says:

    MAN, THAT GUY IS STUPID

    I was riding to work the other day when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder.

    This evidently pissed the driver off enough, that he hung out his window and flipped the woman off.

    “Man, that guy is stupid” I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here’s why.

    I drive 39 miles each way everyday to work, that’s 76 miles. Of these, 16 each way, is bumper-to-bumper, most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 land highway. So if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not it, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That’s 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 34 miles is not bumper-to-bumper. I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.

    Statistically half of these are driven by females, that’s 18,000. In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That’s 642.

    According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love lives as dissatisfying or unrewarding, that’s 449, according to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that’s 98, and 34% describe men as their biggest problem, that’s 33.

    According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

    That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that, has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period and is ARMED!

    No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn’t DREAM of flipping her off……

  26. bludtizfan Says:

    This one is for coopscats:
    How to Give a Cat a Pill:

    1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

    2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

    3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

    4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

    5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

    6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

    7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

    8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

    9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

    10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

    11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

    12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

    13. Tie the little bastard’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

    14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

    15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

    How to Give a Dog a Pill:

    1. Wrap it in bacon.

    2. Toss it in the air.

  27. bludtizfan Says:

    ****COPIED FROM A NEWSGROUP POSTING****
    (the male author was responding to a woman who accidentally walked into the men’s restroom)

    Please don’t feel bad. It wasn’t you entering the men’s washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do it all the time. It’s rare for us guys to ever hit what we are aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I’ll make sure I hit something.

    You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men’s penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I’m telling ‘ya those little buggers can’t be trusted.

    After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I’m no longer allowed to pee like a man – standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.

    Now another thing us guys don’t usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I’m a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it’s a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It’s the dreaded “morning wood”. Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can’t get that thing to bend, and if you don’t bend you can’t aim, well hell, if you can’t aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.

    And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin’ toilet seat won’t stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim. Now sometimes, when you’re newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning the damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie.
    So guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it’s just not safe.

    I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her…look, it won’t bend. She said, “sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time.” OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with “morning wood”. Well it’s very hard to get it bent undet the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots our from under the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.

    I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it’s the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.

    So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control. It’s not our fault, it’s just Mother Nature. Now, if it was Father Nature…there wouldn’t have been a problem!!!

  28. pokeyspride2002 Says:

    Thats funny! I laughed at least half way down!

  29. vampfan Says:

    Oh my. That has to be one of the funnyest things I’ve ever read. making copies and spreading the cheer..Thanks

  30. pokeyspride2002 Says:

    Sorry, had to go make some spaghetti for dinner its wrestling night!

  31. bludtizfan Says:

    Thanks to Raven for the ‘Thought’ it’s perfect for the upcoming holidays.

    Oh so true…..
    BBQ RULES

    We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season.
    Therefore it is important to refresh your memoryon the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it’s the only type of cooking a ‘real’ man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

    When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

    Routine…

    (1)The woman buys the food.

    (2)The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

    (3)The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill
    – drink in hand.

    Here comes the important part:

    (4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

    More routine…

    (5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

    (6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks
    her and asks if she will bring another drink while he deals with the situation.

    Important again:

    (7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

    More routine…

    (8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces,and brings them to the table.

    (9) After eating,the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

    And most important of all:

    (10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM
    for his cooking efforts.

    (11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ‘her night off.’ And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women…

  32. bludtizfan Says:

    Thanks to Csd1 for this one.

    Do you need a laugh??
    What Religion is Your Bra?

    A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy’s and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said,
    “I’d like to buy a bra for my wife.”
    “What type of bra?” asked the clerk.
    “Type?’ inquires the man,’There’s more than one type?”
    “Look around,’said the saleslady,as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable.’Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.”
    Relieved, the man asked about the types.
    The saleslady replied:
    “There are the Catholic,the Salvation Army,
    the Presbyterian,and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?”
    Now totally befuddled,the man asked about the differences between them.
    The Saleslady responded,
    “It is all really quite simple. …

    The Catholic type supports the masses;
    The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
    The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
    The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.’

    Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are,the letters used to define bra sizes?
    If you have wondered why,but couldn’t figure out what the letters stood for,
    it is about time you became informed!

    (A} Almost Boobs…
    {B} Barely there…
    {C} Can’t Complain!…
    {D} Dang!…
    {DD} Double dang!…
    {E} Enormous!…
    {F} Fake…
    {G} Get a Reduction…
    {H} Help me, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!…

    They forgot the German bra.
    Holtzemfromfloppen

  33. theamatis Says:

    There’s a new Greman Bra on the market now-
    Upperdeckerflopperstopper. Its for the E -H sizes as outlined above. lol

  34. bludtizfan Says:

    This is something my hubby saved for ten years and just returned to me a couple of days ago.

    Recently I got my first set of eyeglasses. I knew that the day would come when I would need a little something to help me read the small print, but I wasn’t prepared for the news I got. Bifocals.

    Bifocals. Aren’t those for older people? Surely I was still too young to need those. My eyes aren’t that bad are they? I’m really not that old am I?

    I’ve never minded the thought of getting older; age has its rewards so they say. And I have always maintained that I was not going to be one of those women who refused to admit to a gray hair, nothing looks worse than someone in their sixties with coal black hair and wrinkles.

    It’s not getting older that I resent, it’s having someone who isn’t that far past puberty telling me that I’m getting older. Do they honestly think that a person doesn’t notice when their pantyhose are no longer the only thing on their bodies that is sagging?

    You notice those things. There are all sorts of signs, one’s that don’t need eyeglasses to be seen. The first time you’re referred to as ma’am by someone over thirty and they’re not from the south. When you have to switch from lacy to support bras. Or when you go from nylons to support hose. These are things a woman notices, believe me.

    Sometimes I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone, yes I’m old enough to actually remember that show, not in reruns either. The world and the people in it are changing but I’m still 17. I can remember going to the family doctor and he looked like Marcus Welby, they all did remember? Not anymore! Now they all resemble Doogie Howser.

    This year, my 43rd, has turned out to be prophetic in more ways than one. In January, about a month after my birthday, I discovered my first official-I couldn’t deny it-gray hair. On my mother’s birthday, so I gave it to her as a gift. Somehow I knew she would understand.

    Men are less concerned about age. Society has let them age gradually and gracefully. Women on the other hand are deemed old once the braces come off. It’s no wonder we live in fear of glasses and what they represent. However there is hope, even Sophia Loren is photographed wearing them, but hey she could wear a laundry bag and look good. I can dress up and look like the laundry bag.

    Still there isn’t much one can do about it but allow it to happen as gracefully as possible. I’m not ready for the rocking chair and afternoon naps yet, and I doubt I’ll ever take up knitting. Well maybe just one nap, after my cocoa. I’ll still have time this afternoon to work on my needlework. Especially now that these bifocals can really help me see.

  35. bludtizfan Says:

    I was half way through reading it before I realized I’d written it. Nice to know he kept it all these years.

  36. imjustaguy Says:

    The One ‘Flaw’ In Women

    By the time the Lord made woman,
    He was into his sixth day of working overtime.

    An angel appeared and said,
    ‘Why are you spending so much time on this one?’
    And the Lord answered, ‘Have you seen my spec sheet on her?
    She has to be completely washable, but not plastic,
    have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable
    and able to run on diet coke and leftovers,
    have a lap that can hold four children at one time,
    have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart
    -and she will do everything
    with only two hands.

    The angel was astounded at the requirements.

    ‘Only two hands!? No way!
    And that’s just on the standard model?
    That’s too much work for one day.

    Wait until tomorrow to finish.

    ‘But I won’t, ‘ the Lord protested.

    ‘I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart.

    She already heals herself when she is sick
    AND can work 18 hour days.

    The angel moved closer and touched the woman.

    ‘But you have made her so soft, Lord.

    ‘She is soft,’ the Lord agreed,
    ‘but I have also made her tough.

    You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish.

    ‘Will she be able to think?’, asked the angel.

    The Lord replied,
    ‘Not only will she be able to think,
    she will be able to reason and negotiate.

    The angel then noticed something,
    and reaching out, touched the woman’s cheek.

    ‘Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model.

    I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one.

    ‘That’s not a leak,’
    the Lord corrected,
    ‘that’s a tear!’
    ‘What’s the tear for?’ the angel asked.

    The Lord said, ‘The tear is her way of expressing her joy,
    her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love,
    her loneliness, her grief and her pride.

    The angel was impressed.

    ‘You are a genius, Lord.

    You thought of everything!
    Woman is truly amazing.

    And she is!
    Women have strengths that amaze men.

    They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
    but they hold happiness,
    love and joy.

    They smile when they want to scream.

    They sing when they want to cry.

    They cry when they are happy
    and laugh when they are nervous.

    They fight for what they believe in.

    They stand up to injustice.

    They don’t take ‘no’ for an answer
    when they believe there is a better solution.

    They go without so their family can have.

    They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

    They love unconditionally.

    They cry when their children excel
    and cheer when their friends get awards.

    They are happy when they hear about
    a birth or a wedding.

    Their hearts break when a friend dies.

    They grieve at the loss of a family member,
    yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.

    They know that a hug and a kiss
    can heal a broken heart.

    Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.

    They’ll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
    to show how much they care about you.

    The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.

    They bring joy, hope and love.

    They have compassion and ideals.

    They give moral support to their family and friends.

    Women have vital things to say and everything to give

    HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE TINY FLAW IN WOMEN,

    IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

  37. pokeyspride2002 Says:

    this is so true.

    I would also love to offer my gratitude to whoever wrote it!!

  38. sm1234 Says:

    Wow. IJAG – thanks for taking the time to post this. Sometimes we women need to be reminded of our worth.

  39. imjustaguy Says:

    Where is the cat in the catwalk?
    Do models walk like cats?
    Why are apartments so close together?
    What idiot put an ‘s’ in the word lisp?
    If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
    Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
    If an orange is orange, why isn’t a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?

    What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
    If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make
    terrible?
    If you had amnesia and then were cured, would you remember that you forgot?

    Why isn’t 11 pronounced onety one?
    Why is the word abbreviation so long?
    Is it true that cannibals won’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
    You know when you are driving and you notice one shoe on the road… whatever happened to the other shoe?
    Why do we press harder on remote control buttons when we know the battery is dead?
    When you have your picture taken with Mickey Mouse at Disneyland, does the guy inside the costume smile for the camera?

    “I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
    Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?

    Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in
    the universe you will believe them but if they tell you a wall has
    wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

    How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn’t live there?
    What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
    If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

    If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

    No one ever says “It’s only a game,” when their team is winning.

    If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

    How can there be self-help groups?

    If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can’t find himself?

    If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

    Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?

    Is there another word for synonym?

    Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

    When sign-makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?

    When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

    Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
    How does the VCR clock work anyway?
    How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
    Why do banks charge you an ‘insufficient funds’ fee for money they already know you don’t have?
    If a cow laughed, would milk come out of his nose?
    If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the frying pan?
    If our knees bent the other way, what would a chair look like?
    If you are refinishing a table, shouldn’t you have to restart?
    If you have 24 odds and ends on a table, and 23 fall off, what do you have left, an odd or an end?
    If you are cross-eyed and dyslexic at the same time, would you see okay?
    If your in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn the headlights on?
    Why are there floatation device under plane seats, instead of parachutes?
    Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive up ATM?
    Why does the door bell ring just after you’ve stepped out of the shower?
    Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called a cargo?
    Why is there always one in every crowd? If you took all the ones in every crowd and put them in another crowd, will there be one in that crowd?
    Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
    Why is it that when You’re driving and looking for an address, You turn down the volume of the radio?
    If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
    If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
    Why do they put Braille on the number pads of drive-through bank machines?
    How do they get a deer to cross at the yellow road sign?
    How do you know when it is time to tune your bagpipes?
    What was the best thing before sliced bread?
    How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t grow in it?
    Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
    Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
    What is the speed of dark?
    How can there be self-help groups?
    Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
    When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
    Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories…
    How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
    I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
    It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.
    Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

  40. imjustaguy Says:

    Dear Santa:
    I’ve been a good Mom all year. I’ve fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor’s office more than the doctor has, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter’s girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun.

    I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son’s red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I’ll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.

    Here are my Christmas wishes:

    I’d like a pair of legs that don’t ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don’t flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I’d also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy. If you’re hauling big ticket items this year I’d like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn’t broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.

    On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says,”yes, Mommy” to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don’t fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, “don’t eat in the living room” and “take your hands off your brother,” because my voice seems to be just out of my children’s hearing range and can only be heard by the dog. And please don’t forget the PlayDoh Travel Pack, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the in-laws’ house seem just like mine.

    If it’s too late to find any of these products, I’d settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container. If you don’t mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family; or if my toddler didn’t look so cute sneaking downstairs to eat contraband ice cream in his pajamas at midnight.

    Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the chimney and come in and dry off by the fire so you don’t catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table, but don’t eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.

    Yours Always…Mom

    P.S. One more thing…you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young enough to believe in Santa.

  41. pokeyspride2002 Says:

    Hank Hi!

    missed you! This is very sweet! I loved it!

  42. bludtizfan Says:

    This is indeed a beautiful thought from a very special person. Glad to see you here Hank. You brightened my day.

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