missed you! This is very sweet! I loved it!

I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son’s red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I’ll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes:

I’d like a pair of legs that don’t ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don’t flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I’d also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy. If you’re hauling big ticket items this year I’d like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn’t broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says,”yes, Mommy” to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don’t fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, “don’t eat in the living room” and “take your hands off your brother,” because my voice seems to be just out of my children’s hearing range and can only be heard by the dog. And please don’t forget the PlayDoh Travel Pack, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the in-laws’ house seem just like mine.

If it’s too late to find any of these products, I’d settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container. If you don’t mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family; or if my toddler didn’t look so cute sneaking downstairs to eat contraband ice cream in his pajamas at midnight.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the chimney and come in and dry off by the fire so you don’t catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table, but don’t eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.

Yours Always…Mom

P.S. One more thing…you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young enough to believe in Santa.

What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make
terrible?
If you had amnesia and then were cured, would you remember that you forgot?

Why isn’t 11 pronounced onety one?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
Is it true that cannibals won’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
You know when you are driving and you notice one shoe on the road… whatever happened to the other shoe?
Why do we press harder on remote control buttons when we know the battery is dead?
When you have your picture taken with Mickey Mouse at Disneyland, does the guy inside the costume smile for the camera?

“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in
the universe you will believe them but if they tell you a wall has
wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn’t live there?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

No one ever says “It’s only a game,” when their team is winning.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

How can there be self-help groups?

If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can’t find himself?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

When sign-makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
How does the VCR clock work anyway?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
Why do banks charge you an ‘insufficient funds’ fee for money they already know you don’t have?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of his nose?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the frying pan?
If our knees bent the other way, what would a chair look like?
If you are refinishing a table, shouldn’t you have to restart?
If you have 24 odds and ends on a table, and 23 fall off, what do you have left, an odd or an end?
If you are cross-eyed and dyslexic at the same time, would you see okay?
If your in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn the headlights on?
Why are there floatation device under plane seats, instead of parachutes?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive up ATM?
Why does the door bell ring just after you’ve stepped out of the shower?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called a cargo?
Why is there always one in every crowd? If you took all the ones in every crowd and put them in another crowd, will there be one in that crowd?
Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why is it that when You’re driving and looking for an address, You turn down the volume of the radio?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
Why do they put Braille on the number pads of drive-through bank machines?
How do they get a deer to cross at the yellow road sign?
How do you know when it is time to tune your bagpipes?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t grow in it?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
What is the speed of dark?
How can there be self-help groups?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories…
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.
Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

I would also love to offer my gratitude to whoever wrote it!!

By the time the Lord made woman,
He was into his sixth day of working overtime.

An angel appeared and said,
‘Why are you spending so much time on this one?’
And the Lord answered, ‘Have you seen my spec sheet on her?
She has to be completely washable, but not plastic,
have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable
and able to run on diet coke and leftovers,
have a lap that can hold four children at one time,
have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart
-and she will do everything
with only two hands.
‘

The angel was astounded at the requirements.

‘Only two hands!? No way!
And that’s just on the standard model?
That’s too much work for one day.

Wait until tomorrow to finish.
‘

‘But I won’t, ‘ the Lord protested.

‘I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart.

She already heals herself when she is sick
AND can work 18 hour days.
‘

The angel moved closer and touched the woman.

‘But you have made her so soft, Lord.
‘

‘She is soft,’ the Lord agreed,
‘but I have also made her tough.

You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish.
‘

‘Will she be able to think?’, asked the angel.

The Lord replied,
‘Not only will she be able to think,
she will be able to reason and negotiate.
‘

The angel then noticed something,
and reaching out, touched the woman’s cheek.

‘Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model.

I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one.
‘

‘That’s not a leak,’
the Lord corrected,
‘that’s a tear!’
‘What’s the tear for?’ the angel asked.

The Lord said, ‘The tear is her way of expressing her joy,
her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love,
her loneliness, her grief and her pride.
‘
The angel was impressed.

‘You are a genius, Lord.

You thought of everything!
Woman is truly amazing.
‘

And she is!
Women have strengths that amaze men.

They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness,
love and joy.

They smile when they want to scream.

They sing when they want to cry.

They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.

They fight for what they believe in.

They stand up to injustice.

They don’t take ‘no’ for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.

They go without so their family can have.

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

They love unconditionally.

They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.

They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.

Their hearts break when a friend dies.

They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.

They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.

Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.

They’ll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.

They bring joy, hope and love.

They have compassion and ideals.

They give moral support to their family and friends.

Women have vital things to say and everything to give

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE TINY FLAW IN WOMEN,

IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

Recently I got my first set of eyeglasses. I knew that the day would come when I would need a little something to help me read the small print, but I wasn’t prepared for the news I got. Bifocals.

Bifocals. Aren’t those for older people? Surely I was still too young to need those. My eyes aren’t that bad are they? I’m really not that old am I?

I’ve never minded the thought of getting older; age has its rewards so they say. And I have always maintained that I was not going to be one of those women who refused to admit to a gray hair, nothing looks worse than someone in their sixties with coal black hair and wrinkles.

It’s not getting older that I resent, it’s having someone who isn’t that far past puberty telling me that I’m getting older. Do they honestly think that a person doesn’t notice when their pantyhose are no longer the only thing on their bodies that is sagging?

You notice those things. There are all sorts of signs, one’s that don’t need eyeglasses to be seen. The first time you’re referred to as ma’am by someone over thirty and they’re not from the south. When you have to switch from lacy to support bras. Or when you go from nylons to support hose. These are things a woman notices, believe me.

Sometimes I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone, yes I’m old enough to actually remember that show, not in reruns either. The world and the people in it are changing but I’m still 17. I can remember going to the family doctor and he looked like Marcus Welby, they all did remember? Not anymore! Now they all resemble Doogie Howser.

This year, my 43rd, has turned out to be prophetic in more ways than one. In January, about a month after my birthday, I discovered my first official-I couldn’t deny it-gray hair. On my mother’s birthday, so I gave it to her as a gift. Somehow I knew she would understand.

Men are less concerned about age. Society has let them age gradually and gracefully. Women on the other hand are deemed old once the braces come off. It’s no wonder we live in fear of glasses and what they represent. However there is hope, even Sophia Loren is photographed wearing them, but hey she could wear a laundry bag and look good. I can dress up and look like the laundry bag.

Still there isn’t much one can do about it but allow it to happen as gracefully as possible. I’m not ready for the rocking chair and afternoon naps yet, and I doubt I’ll ever take up knitting. Well maybe just one nap, after my cocoa. I’ll still have time this afternoon to work on my needlework. Especially now that these bifocals can really help me see.